Guest Post by Anna Seeley:
“You never thought this would happen to you. It’s something that happens in movies and books. A little girl or a young woman loses someone she loves and is thrust into greatness as she overcomes.
You are very aware of all the stories that begin this way now, I know. You wonder where the messy middle part of the story is. You know, the part just after the monitor stops beating and your loved one is gone forever. The part where you have to smile and hug and talk to people at a service. The part after all the hugs and cards have dwindled and you’re left in a pool of darkness and the need to carry on some form of normalcy.
The part in between loss and greatness.”
This is an excerpt from An Open Letter to the Girl Who Just Lost Her Daddy. You can read the rest here.
I wrote those words just shy of 4 years ago, just after losing the man I looked up to my entire life. I had no idea that the very thing that quite literally broke me would be the thing that God used to direct my path, deepen my relationship with Him, and discover my purpose.
As I’ve walked this grief journey, I’ve learned many things. The three things I want to share with you today may seem basic, but they are so important to understand as you choose to begin healing and walk through, rather than remain stuck in, grief.
Grieving is a paradox of allowing yourself to break in order to heal.
Letting go, allowing yourself to feel it all – it’s painful. It’s difficult. It’s hard work. But as you work through all the emotions, you begin to emerge on the other side of it. More whole, more aware of what really matters, more in tune with your one, precious life.
I was working as a nanny when my father got sick and when I did go back to work after he died, I found myself holding myself together by sheer will. I am naturally a very emotional person, so to not let anything out was odd for me. Eventually, I realized that I had to make time to grieve – I had to force myself to let go. I didn’t like losing control and sobbing or being angry. I didn’t like admitting that I was mad at God. I didn’t want anyone to see me this raw. But when I did decide to release all that pent-up pain and emotion, that is when the healing began. That is when I started to see the blessings and the lessons and the support system that God had purposefully placed all around me.
Grief isn’t linear.
It doesn’t always follow predictable patterns with boxes to check. It doesn’t just fade away never to be experienced again. But it also doesn’t always hurt like it does right now. The raw edges of the hole in your heart begin to heal as you slowly process through the pain.
A year or so after my dad died, I felt like I was getting back to myself. I went weeks without breaking down until one day it all just came back to the surface with an intensity that surprised me. I told my husband that it felt like one of those glass cleaner commercials where the bird flies right into the window – shocking, yet also probably should have seen it coming.
It’s important to remember that your grief process will not (and should not) look like anyone else’s. Personally, rather than looking at my journey in “stages” I have found it helpful to release myself from having to feel anything at a certain time. For example, I thought I would be miserable on my son’s second birthday because it would just be so difficult to not have dad there. That day was wonderful and I have the best memories. There was, however, a random Tuesday that I didn’t want to get out of bed. Walking in the tension of joy and loss can be difficult, but there is freedom in knowing that it’s okay to feel the way you feel in that moment. Take that emotion to the Lord, and continue moving forward when you’re ready.
Grieving this loss will leave you bitter or better.
My dad taught me that there is a lesson in all things – the mundane, the extraordinary, the painful. And His death has provided me with an opportunity to really live that out. Early on I learned there are two types of people who walk through intense grief – those that allow the loss to make them bitter and those that allow the loss to make them better.
Ultimately, we have a choice in how we respond. We can decide to walk away from God or to turn towards Him. We can decide to hold ourselves together or we can allow God to hold us up. We can pretend we are okay or we can learn to be okay with being vulnerable. We can give way to fear or we can practice the act of trust. We can allow the pain to root bitterness in our hearts or we can allow God to use the pain to grow something beautiful.
It’s in these daily choices that our faith is forged. It’s in these choices that we begin to take small steps forward. It’s here that we find out that God is who He says He is. It’s here, in the hard places, that we find hope.
Romans 5:3-4 “Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
Journal Prompt:
Have you given yourself time and space to feel the weight of your loss?
What are you feeling today, in relation to loss? Take it to the Lord.
How are you responding to loss – is it making you bitter or better?
If you are walking through grief, I have created several resources specifically with you in mind. I want you to know that you are not alone and that your story matters!
Additional Resources:
My Grief Story: A Simple Journal to Process the Pain of Loss While Holding onto Hope
I wrote this journal because grieving changed me. I found myself having to redefine and rediscover myself and my faith. Loss can be so isolating, and no one should feel alone in their pain. The journal is set up as daily entries – each with a short story, a truth, a Bible verse and a prompt. You’ll work through four choices – choosing to begin, to heal, to believe, and to hope. Preorder here and receive 5 entries now.
Free Grief Support Email Series
Find support, encouragement and resources for your grief journey with this free four-day series covering: It’s okay to not be okay, How to navigate traditions, Taking care of yourself, How to let people know what you need. Sign up here
Grief Stories Facebook Community
A growing community of people who have also experienced loss, where I walk alongside you in your grief journey with resources and encouragement. Join here.
Meet the Author: Anna Seeley, Writer & Encourager
I’m Anna Seeley, wife to Josh and mom to Logan and Loralei. I created Graceful Journey with the mission of encouraging women to live into the hope and purpose they were made for through storytelling and tangible tools.
I believe every woman has a purpose and a story as unique as they are. We are all beautifully and wonderfully made and no one is too old or too young or too busy to live life on purpose. I believe, above all, that there is hope in every season, something to be learned in every heartbreak, and that there is always – always – grace to be found in the journey.
Join me on IG @annajseeley for more encouragement and a peek at my everyday life (aka – coffee, kids and chaos)!