When I accepted Christ as my Forgiver and Leader of my life I was a girl, only seven, afraid of being in trouble after stealing bubble gum two years prior. I prayed in my heart and kept my secret. The enemy even shamed me about trusting God, so it was just another thing I buried. But, when I was 23, I felt drawn to God for comfort from deep pain bubbling up from my past.

I had been with Andrés for four years. Our time included a two-month engagement, a quaint New Year’s Eve wedding, and two cross-country moves. Our married life was good, but it wasn’t easy. At least for me. We fought a lot and I still needed constant assurance of Andrés’ love and devotion. To complicate matters, I was afraid to see a therapist for help with my emotions. What if I am crazy? What if Andrés realizes I really am not lovable? I felt burdened by our disastrous finances, graduate school demands, and our newly adopted mischievous black lab, Guinness. The enemy tried to tear us apart, and in an outburst, I threatened divorce. But God held us closer still.

My heart ached for real change. I came to a crossroads: I could choose to be honest with God about the state of my brokenness and seek his help or continue with numbing, running, and medication with my own self-help. Could I really believe God’s word as truth and walk with him to meet my emotional needs? Or would I keep trying to control, strive, and seek love apart from him? How long would I keep running from my deepest pain? How long would I expect Andrés to be everything for me?

I needed Jesus’ love. I needed him for everyday challenges. He broke through with a song, sung over me, softening my heart as I peered out the train window at maple trees. He loves me, like actually, intensely. I had falsely believed he had been aloof, unconcerned about my suffering, just waiting to bring me to heaven. No wonder I had run so far believing such heresy. I thought he could be my last chance option, like fire insurance, just before I died. As if I could live a full, fun life apart from his control and judgment.

But, sweet friend, he loved me so. 

He loves me still. 

He loved me, and by his loving-kindness drew me into his healing arms.

God patiently walked with me another few years, leading me to Poland in 2016. From 23 to 27, I prayed, fell in love reading the Bible, listening to Christian music stations like K-LOVE, and shared my faith with Andrés. The summer before my Polish adventure, I was baptized by my childhood pastor. My Father lovingly removed things in my life that did not align with his character, reining my heart to align with his. He didn’t overwhelm me with guilt, instead, he gave me glimpses of who he was. In return, I was beginning to see who I was, rewriting old records of shame and rejection. Andrés could sense it too, seeing the fruits of love, peace, and self-control springing up in me.

In the stillness of Poland, God invited me to grow once more: could I be content and fulfilled in him, apart from any other relationship? Could I find joy in being alone? Could I love my own company?

Three-thousand miles away in a foreign country was the perfect place for the Lord to challenge my belief. An ocean literally separated me from Andrés! We connected throughout the day, but I still ached with loneliness. I felt exposed, weak, and unseen in an unfamiliar land. Back home I’d get upset when we were apart for a few days, and this assignment was for several months.

I struggled to believe I could be complete without some relationship or accolade to define me. I didn’t like being alone. I only felt good when I was checking things off my list—for myself, for others, just constantly doing. Sit alone and be with my thoughts? Yikes. What would I say?

Stricken with loneliness, especially during my first six weeks in Słupsk, God led me to a humble place of surrender. I could either trust him to come alongside me to battle my loneliness and limitations or try the same old junk of performing for praise and defining my worth by others’ approval. I had to get my eyes off my fears and insecurities and turn to God, with his infinite wisdom and assuring love. And for goodness sake, if he called me, then he knew I could do it with his help!

Praise God, who is so faithful.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

I journaled a proclamation weeks after my arrival. “Lord, you are going to sustain me. Sundays I am going to dedicate to you. I will stream podcasts, journal, pray, praise, and pray some more. I will reflect on your goodness and love. You are my comfort. You see me. You are my strength.” God was tearing down one of the biggest lies I had believed, “You are alone and unloved.” I became increasingly aware of God’s presence surrounding me and his profound, ceaseless love for me. His love was propelling me forward to have hope in him for my future. As someone who has battled depression since childhood, rising hope was a radical experience. Wow—God loves me and has good plans for my life!

We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19

As I grew in his love, I began to trust he was working in my story. He had taken away the comforts of home. I felt the only thing I could do was accept his love and plan for me, and trust he was holding the details. He knew the full course of my life, and I began to believe his path was the only one I wanted to follow.

Sweet Sarah, you’ve run so far. But now it’s time to return to my love. Release those lies, striving, and fears to me. I want to show you my goodness. I want you to know my love, my Father called to my heart.

Did this encourage your heart? Did you experience the Lord’s love in a fresh way? Continue reading the first three chapters of my memoir for free here or purchase your signed copy of Love Letters from Poland today. 

Need some Scripture to help you soak in God’s love for you? Print my free Canva design with 10 Bible verses on God’s love for you.