When was the last time you hoped for good to come? Do you feel weighed down by current circumstances? Or perhaps it’s your past that keeps you feeling stuck and discouraged. Continue reading as I unpack my own journey to find hope despite my challenging story.
A girl’s wish
Acorns grow into mighty oaks. Except when I planted one in my grandparents’ yard as a girl. I scooped out the soil, set the acorn into its earthen home. The maroon ranch anticipated a new shady friend; it was our little secret.
Weeks and months went by without a sprout. Perhaps it was mowed, eaten, or worse, just never broke through the surface and rotted to death.
When dreams got buried
I gave the Lord my dreams as a girl and buried them with hopes of good things. Dreams of dancing in sheer delight on a stage. Dreams of being a famous artist. But mostly I longed to fit in with the cool kids and be happy. Years went by and it seemed these desires never took root. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Disappointment and brokenness riddles this life and all people carry dashed hopes and suffering of some kind. But I had believed lies that it was only me living with unmet hopes. I was unworthy, unloved, and the trauma was my fault.
If I was a different person, others would like me. God doesn’t care about my life and he’s ashamed of me. I slid deeper into the chasm of the tire swing while happy kids ran past at recess. My shame was too big to be covered by my messy bangs. Whimsy childhood dreams vanished like a breath on a cold winter day waiting for the school bus. Controlling what I could, I tried to earn my worth through academic achievements. By third grade, my mum noticed that something clicked and I was beginning to get “E’s” on my report card for excellent. I was proud to be in the advanced mathematics group and my teacher and I had a special connection; we were the only lefties in the class.
Hiding from myself
Into my teens, I stayed the course, longing to be known for my intelligence and get out of my small town. Receiving praise for my achievement became my primary motivator. But that dream seemed meaningless in the worst of my despair when depression, risky behavior, and anxiety. I had a hard time getting through the day unless I stuffed my feelings down. On good days, my hope was shaky at best because it hinged on my efforts to control circumstances. Like a seagull lurking to steal my perfect PB & J as soon as I let it go, I anticipated bad news to swoop in and rob the little bit of good I had. My heart didn’t know how to trust hope. What if I was let down again? Depression has an awful way of distorting the truth and keeping you trapped in a downward spiral.
My mind did its best to stop me from feeling more pain: just bury the shame. I kept others at an arm’s length and heaped a berm of dirt around my soul. No one would want to know my real story. But they could appreciate the diligent, kind, successful student.
These labels carried me along for years and even led me to numerous awards in my hometown, scholarships, and ultimately a successful engineering career with a graduate degree, licensure, and international experience. I was actually pretty smart. (Ok, yes, I am smart.) But I still didn’t feel known. I was scared to know myself. The ugly, shameful memories with dark corners of cobwebs and filth tainted my self-image and kept me hiding.
Reaching for hope
I was desperate for anything to lift the weight of my anxiety and depression. I had tried a myriad of combinations: scholastic accolades, escaping through romantic relationships, perfectionism, sarcasm, alcohol, journaling, therapy, medication. Nothing lifted my soul for long – although some were obviously much healthier ways to heal than others.
Just before my 24th birthday, a kind hand reached into my muddy pit. The Lord had pursued and watched over me this whole time; I was ready to relent and reach up for his help to bask in the warmth of his hope.
Hope wasn’t found apart from circumstances but despite them.
Despite stress and anxiety, worship songs appeared on a secular Pandora station, I absorbed encouragement from the Psalms as the writer poured out his frustrations and pain to the Lord. Perhaps I could do the same and find comfort.
Hope multiplied the more I sought the Lord’s perspective about my traumatic past. I was not hopeless because of what had happened or what I had done. I still had air in my lungs and a purpose to fulfill. And in that purpose was an invitation for a new way of life. Hope for restoration beyond the story I had told myself, and instead, the story that was written on the tablet of my heart.
Deep down, I was created to be loved. I was created to hope and to have a future.
For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
My broken story was never beyond his hope, and my future has always been secure in his love. Suffering and trials did not keep me buried. They broke me, cracked open the tough exterior of my shell at just the right time.
A longing awoke
Sweet rain kissed the earth, awakening the sleepy shell to reach for new things.
“Your story is for good,” the Lord comforted me. The long winters and springs waited with bated breath until I was ready to seek soul healing and flourish.
Papa God invited me to take root in a safe marriage, therapy, supportive friendships, and eventually the gift to write my story and publish it. Season after season of refreshing rain strengthened me. To my surprise, somewhere deep within I still had a piece of my treasured childhood dreams.
The darkest places of my story were never beyond Jesus’ hope for my life. He is continuing to weave my story back together and invites all of me to be seen and loved in his presence.
Who knew I’d find hope reflecting on my story and then vulnerably sharing with others to give hope for their broken hearts? My Papa God knew. It was always part of his good plan for me.
New hope springs up
Eight years have passed since the first green shoot. I see the beauty springing up around me – my first book complete and published, retiring from engineering, pursuing coaching, speaking, and writing full time, celebrating 10 years of marriage filled with humor and love, thriving friendships, steady finances, and continuing to discover the dreams the Lord had set apart for me.
The seasons of waiting and despair were not wasted. Although the acorn at my grandparents’ house never became the tree I had hoped for, instead, I stand and see I was the one the Lord was nurturing and growing into a beautiful oak.
Then, in God’s extravagant grace, I see a new sprout looking up with dark chocolate eyes. May she grow up to be a mighty oak, I pray, rocking her to sleep every night as her two-year-old footie-pajama legs cascade over the chair. “You will always be my precious daughter,” I whisper.
I better see the hope the Lord for has me as I hope for my little Bug.
If there’s hope in the future there is power in the present. – Zig Ziglar
My word for 2021 is HOPE. I wanted a different word, something creative and jazzy. God and I argued. “Hope? Really, God?” “Yep. That’s your word.” “Humph, fine.” “Learn to receive my hope for your story. You’re going to be overflowing with hope, my Beautiful Hope.”
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him so you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
Journal questions:
- When have you felt disappointed by God? Share your heart, the pain, frustration, confusion, and ask him for a fresh perspective.
- How have your hardest circumstances shaped you into the person you are today? How does that help you find hope?
- If you’re a mother, how has motherhood given you new hope or a fresh perspective for your story?
- Who can you talk with today to celebrate the good of your hardest moments?
- Thinking of your future, what hopes are you too scared to admit to the Lord? Share and journal a prayer today.
- Read Romans 15:13 to yourself aloud each morning in the first person “The God of hope is filling me with all joy and peace as I trust in him so that I may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”