By the sweat of your brow, you will eat your food until you return to the ground since from it you were taken;
for dust you are and to dust you will return.
Genesis 3:19

The dust of disappointment –

I have been broken down to dust – my hopes of restoration with my father, shattered. Ground down in a mill to produce the finest powder of disappointment. But I resist the grinding, the bruising, the breaking down to be put back together. My suffering was in the past, not now. Or so I hoped. Dreams brought to dust, blown away in the wind and never to be seen again. The last embrace, the last laugh, the last goodbye. I never knew it. Now I cling to my memories. I believed for good, to see ancient ruins restored in my family, this side of heaven. Wasn’t Dad supposed to be part of the rebuilding? Yes. But my way, on my terms.

In my breaking to dust, I’m facing the disappointment of what will never be with my father. My “perfect” plans are not always God’s best for me. I can’t understand why or see the end, but I know I have a choice. Yield and let his good work come from this, or resist, harden my heart, running from pain and from God’s love. But I know the old familiar path of escape; it ends in hopelessness and greater disappointment.

Recalling God’s Faithfulness –

Eight years ago, when I turned from that path, I met the Lord in the midst of my depression. I chose to run into his arms, acknowledging my suffering and letting him love me as I was. He gave me comfort, love, and freedom from my shame. I slowly saw good from pain. He tenderly healed my wounds over the last several years. My heart was reshaped to love, for compassion, to see beauty from ashes. He redeemed me from the dust of my depression, adding his living water to make clay, reformed in his loving hands.

Why would this suffering be different?

Reshaping the disappointment –

And so, the days go by, my first Father’s Day fatherless, and then the first month with him gone and waves of grief sweep over me, trying to drown my hope. But I know I’m swimming, I’m kicking, I’m fighting. I’m fighting to see the good, to let God wash out the bitterness, anger, pain. I don’t want to go numb, run, and hide with my unresolved disappointment. I’ve been broken to pieces, but I’m not forsaken. I will be rebuilt, restored stronger, wiser, more tender to his heart. Each day is a small step to let go and lean into God’s loving hands. I can’t see how my new shape will turn out, but I know it will be more beautiful, stronger, a vessel to receive and pour out his love.

Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.
Isaiah 64:8

Journal questions – 

1. What feels like it has gone to dust in this season of your life?
2. How has this season changed you for good?
3. Who can you encourage by sharing something you learned working through disappointment?

Here’s a great resource I have read to help process disappointment: It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way by Lysa TerKeurst.

Check out my other blog on growing stronger despite our circumstances.